Limbo Is Hell

I wish I was writing with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.  Instead, I write with tears rolling down my cheeks and a heart full of grief, anger, and defeat.  For the past two years, I have known the joys and pains of parenthood.  I have a wonderful son, my miracle baby!  Well, my husband and I decided to pursue a second child and, after trying on our own without success, have taken the road of infertility treatment once again.  Going in, I thought it would be a piece of cake thinking, "We've done this and we are pros."  It was quite an overwhelming experience to have that first appointment and obtain the detailed plan that included hormone injections, monitoring, multiple risks, and huge amounts of money.  I just about bowed out thinking, "Hell no, that is way more than what I had to do the first time and seems too intensive!"  But one look at my beautiful angel of a son, and I decided to go forward with the process. We quickly adjusted and it became a routine, all the office visits, ultrasounds, blood tests, and injections.  With the first IUI, we didn't think we would get lucky first time around, although we joked about getting pregnant since it did happen the last round.  But, wouldn't you know it, we did get preggers!!!!  It felt good to see that positive hpt!  But with that feeling, came the worry and the nerves and the questions...would this time work out well with no problems or would that terrible roller coaster ride happen again?  But I was hopeful, after all!  I felt like we were armed and ready!  I knew to take my Lovenox to prevent any blood clots.  I figured I was healthy enough and that my body would welcome a pregnancy. 

Well, it's been hell since that positive hpt!  More like limbo!  It first came with the hcg levels.  First one was 127.  Not bad right?! Two days later, only rose to 178...my heart sank....I cried and assumed impending miscarriage.  Third one rose to about 300...still rising but not doubling.  Then, 900...again still rising but not doubling.  Went for an ultrasound but then the next blow hit.  Couldn't see anything in the uterus because my ovaries were too big due to OHSS, the mild form.  Great!  Can't rule out an ectopic pregnancy and have to deal with big ovaries now!  So we've been in this hellish limbo state for over a week.  I should be about six weeks pregnant now.  My hcg levels are significantly slowing now.  It went from 900 to 1207 in two days.  The test result tonight was only 1327.  I am preparing for miscarriage.  I don't have any hope left to give...I've tried to keep positive, I've hoped, I've prayed, and I've asked for prayers but it's looking dismal to me.  I'm so angry and sad and scared now.  Angry to have this happen after all we've been through before.  Haven't I had my share of crap with this journey already?! I feel sad because all the grief and emotional heartache is returning from the previous miscarriages/failures. I am scared of the physical pain to be endured and how to resolve it medically speaking.  Of course, I haven't spoken to the dr about this last hcg level and I am just concluding on my own.  The ultrasound will be the final answer to this all!  But, to carry any hope in that feels foolish and painful to do.  So this time around, this experience has been a limbo state.  To be in this limbo state in a pregnancy is hell, plain and simple!!!!