Miscarriage Yet Again!

Well, I am currently going through my fourth miscarriage.  Not a situation in which I want to be a pro or expert, but here I am again becoming more of an expert and pro on losing a baby...So as you can see from my last posting, my pregnancy was not doing well from the very beginning.  The Hcg levels never rose appropriately and it appeared that being on progesterone was just prolonging the inevitable.  I can say at least it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy!  When I found out it was not ectopic, I was soooo relieved...whew!  Of course, the doctor followed up that news with stating that the pregnancy still didn't look viable but to wait and see.  Yet more waiting!  But, by that point my hubby and I were preparing for a miscarriage and holding on to minimal hope.  There was a sense of comfort in being prepared for the worst being that it would protect our fragile emotions.  That was about two weeks ago.  The day before the final ultrasound, I started to spot.  I pretty much knew miscarriage was in my future.  The ultrasound the next day confirmed it.  There had been no growth in two weeks and no heart beat.  It measured at 5weeks and I should have been at 7weeks 5days.  When the doctor confirmed this, I did not have any emotion nor did my hubby.  We were prepared.  It was really a matter of fact scenario for us and that was completely fine with me.  What freaked me out was the doctor's recommendation that I jumpstart the actual miscarriage by the weekend using Cytotec...I had never used it and by the info I received I don't want to use it!  Luckily, I started having the cramping and bleeding this morning.  Yet, another sigh of relief!  I never would have thought I would welcome a miscarriage.  So far the cramping and bleeding is manageable.  I haven't had to take too much pain medication.  I'm supposed to get a Hcg test done on Friday morning to see if the levels are dropping.  If they aren't, then my doctor will make me use the Cytotec!  Hope it all goes well!

Limbo Is Hell

I wish I was writing with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.  Instead, I write with tears rolling down my cheeks and a heart full of grief, anger, and defeat.  For the past two years, I have known the joys and pains of parenthood.  I have a wonderful son, my miracle baby!  Well, my husband and I decided to pursue a second child and, after trying on our own without success, have taken the road of infertility treatment once again.  Going in, I thought it would be a piece of cake thinking, "We've done this and we are pros."  It was quite an overwhelming experience to have that first appointment and obtain the detailed plan that included hormone injections, monitoring, multiple risks, and huge amounts of money.  I just about bowed out thinking, "Hell no, that is way more than what I had to do the first time and seems too intensive!"  But one look at my beautiful angel of a son, and I decided to go forward with the process. We quickly adjusted and it became a routine, all the office visits, ultrasounds, blood tests, and injections.  With the first IUI, we didn't think we would get lucky first time around, although we joked about getting pregnant since it did happen the last round.  But, wouldn't you know it, we did get preggers!!!!  It felt good to see that positive hpt!  But with that feeling, came the worry and the nerves and the questions...would this time work out well with no problems or would that terrible roller coaster ride happen again?  But I was hopeful, after all!  I felt like we were armed and ready!  I knew to take my Lovenox to prevent any blood clots.  I figured I was healthy enough and that my body would welcome a pregnancy. 

Well, it's been hell since that positive hpt!  More like limbo!  It first came with the hcg levels.  First one was 127.  Not bad right?! Two days later, only rose to 178...my heart sank....I cried and assumed impending miscarriage.  Third one rose to about 300...still rising but not doubling.  Then, 900...again still rising but not doubling.  Went for an ultrasound but then the next blow hit.  Couldn't see anything in the uterus because my ovaries were too big due to OHSS, the mild form.  Great!  Can't rule out an ectopic pregnancy and have to deal with big ovaries now!  So we've been in this hellish limbo state for over a week.  I should be about six weeks pregnant now.  My hcg levels are significantly slowing now.  It went from 900 to 1207 in two days.  The test result tonight was only 1327.  I am preparing for miscarriage.  I don't have any hope left to give...I've tried to keep positive, I've hoped, I've prayed, and I've asked for prayers but it's looking dismal to me.  I'm so angry and sad and scared now.  Angry to have this happen after all we've been through before.  Haven't I had my share of crap with this journey already?! I feel sad because all the grief and emotional heartache is returning from the previous miscarriages/failures. I am scared of the physical pain to be endured and how to resolve it medically speaking.  Of course, I haven't spoken to the dr about this last hcg level and I am just concluding on my own.  The ultrasound will be the final answer to this all!  But, to carry any hope in that feels foolish and painful to do.  So this time around, this experience has been a limbo state.  To be in this limbo state in a pregnancy is hell, plain and simple!!!!