If you had asked me ten years ago about pregnancy and having a child, I would have firmly stated "Not me!!! Not now!!!" I was single, just heading off to grad school, and still naive about many things. I would have also confidently stated that at the drop of a hat, I could get pregnant as I believed as I was quite fertile (I had normal cycles, no major health problems, my mother had five kids, etc.). When my husband and I got married about five years ago, having a child was not a priority for us. We didn't feel ready and quite frankly I was scared to death at the thought of pregnancy and being a mother. We decided to wait about 2 years to try!!! We came up with so many reasons to wait: I needed to finish grad school, he needed to finish his degree, I needed to get established in my career, we needed to get a house, and so on and so on....About 2 1/2 years later, we finely took the plunge and went on the adventure of trying to get pregnant. Three months went by and nothing. We thought "oh well...no big deal...just keep trying." Then six months and then a year went by. We thought "alright, something's not right here." So my OB/GYN referred us to infertility specialist. We would joke at the thought of one of us having a fertility issue given that we just didn't think that was a problem. When we were waiting for the results of the initial exams (consisting of blood work and semen analysis), we made bets as to who was the culprit. I honestly didn't think I could have any issues. Then, the news! We both had issues: My husband showed a low sperm count and I was diagnosed with anovulation. Our initial reaction was of surprise, especially me. Then, we became lighthearted about it as my doctor explained how common the conditions were and how easily treated they could be. Although together we were lighthearted, I felt a bit shaken up inside about the results. All this time, I thought I could easily get pregnant. All those messages about how easy I could get pregnant!!! Getting on the pill!!! I began to have regrets about some of the decisions I made to wait and prolong motherhood. I also felt a hint of feeling less than a woman...afterall, I also grew up believing that part of being a woman meant having the ability to become pregnant quite easily. It wasn't that simple!! This was a sentiment that would come up for me again and again. So began the journey into the world of infertility....
Soon after our results, my doctor decided that we were both good candidates for clomiphene treatment and intrauterine insemination. Given the success rate, we figured it would be a long process to become pregnant (long as in 3-4 months). It took about a couple of months before we began the IUI process as I develop a cyst from the clomiphene. So here it was, November 2007, and we were embarking on our first IUI. I was a bit nervous about the procedure (I hate the unknown) but other than that, we weren't expecting anything from the procedure. My doctor made sure to drill in our heads that there was only about a 10% chance of becoming pregnant the first time around. The procedure was not too bad...a bit of cramping. Other than that, it was pretty uneventful. Two weeks go by and we return to the doctor. Expecting a negative result, we were ready to begin the process over again. Than the nurse comes in and shows the doctor the faint line on the pregnancy. He announces to us with such joy that we were pregnant. WHAT?!!!!! Yeah right!!!! But it was true....we were!!!!! We were in gleeful shock!!! My doctor (a relatively serious man with a dry sense of humor) appeared about as happy as we were. We made that 10% success rate!!!! It felt so surreal...I was going to be a mom! Me, the baby of the family was going to have a baby!!! We discussed right away if we should wait to tell our parents. We were so ready to share news that we decided just to tell our parents and siblings. That was such a wonderful feeling. Out of five children, I would be the one to give my parents a grandbaby!!! It was a happy time, probably one of the happiest times of my life. Yeah, I was still scared to death about being a mother, but I was ready to accept that role. Well, this joyous time was to be short-lived. About a week later, I was informed that hcg levels were dropping and I was having a miscarriage. Talk about a big slap in the face!!! i was at work and waited until I got home that evening to break down and cry in front of my husband. It was around the time of my birthday that I went through my miscarriage of about five weeks. Physically, it was painful. Emotionally, it was excruciating. I lost a life that I never got to meet...It really was unexpected. After all, wasn't pregnancy just supposed to happen? How was this possible? What was wrong with me? .........
I went through my grief period and gradually regained my sense of hope back, especially since my doctor stated that it was not an uncommon occurrence and that I still had an 80% chance of having a normal pregnancy. So we went through our second IUI in March 2008. AND AGAIN, WE BECAME PREGNANT!!! Wow, two times in a row we were successful. What a blessing!!! Now, although, I had the 80% in my head and could rationalize how my chances were great, i still had that nagging thought in the back of my mind that made me feel uneasy. What if this pregnancy ends up in a miscarriage as well? Nahhhhh.....I would just try and brush it off. Well, the nagging thought turned out to be a way for me to prepare for yet another tradegy. I got the call again (at work again) that my hcg levels were decreasing and I was going through another miscarriage. At five and a half weeks, I had my second miscarriage. Although somewhat prepared, I can say this was emotionally more difficult for me than the first. NOt only did I have to go through the grief of a loss again, I really began to get down on myself. I thought "What is wrong with me!??!!!! I am such a failure!!!!!" I felt so alone and disheartened. Why was it that there were women around me getting pregnant without much effort? I began to be envious of those women. Why didn't I get pregnant when I was younger? I began to believe that I made a mistake in waiting too long. My Catholic guilt kicked in about using contraception at the onset of marriage. Why did I have to take those stupid pills? Why had I been so selfish?
Well, here it is three months later. I'm a 33 year old woman who is trying to have a baby and desires to be a mother and share my love with a little one. I can say that at this point in my process, I have learned some valuable lessons. Lesson one: Don't take fertility for granted. I really took for granted the gift of pregnancy and motherhood. It doesn't come easy for many women. About one in seven women have fertility issues. I have found out about so many women who have had miscarriages, difficulty becoming pregnant, and have been through a similar process. Lesson two: Sometimes the choices we make in life are appropriate for that time in life. I have learned to accept the choices of my past in terms of not trying to get pregnant earlier. What if I did get pregnant at a younger age? I probably would have not been as good a mother as I know I would be now. I just wasn't ready and I knew that having a child requires much attention and time, both of which I didn't think I could handle back then. Lesson three: Connecting with others is a powerful healing tool. This has been a very lonely experience for me. Many aspectsof this process have not been a shared experience. It was very easy at times to stay in my head and try to deal with the emotions and the thoughts on my own. However, once I began to talk about my experiences with friends and loved ones as well as read others' stories online, the loneliness began to lift and I began to gain more peace and a spark of hope.
Well, being that I am still in the midst of the journey through infertility, I am still in the process of gaining lessons. Next week, I get to experience the infamous hystersalpingogram (HSG). The doctor that filled in for my doctor when he was on vacation, explained the test in one sentence when I asked about it, "It is a test to determine if there is any problems in your uterus and it is very painful." Gees, thanks, guy!!! Thanks to him, I am scared to death. It's that unknown again!!! I have put it off for a couple of months hoping by some miracle of God that I would get pregnant on our own. But of course not!!! So, I am finally giving in and going for it. I understand that women have had various experiences from minimal discomfort to the worst pain imaginable. We'll see what my testimony will be!!!! And so the journey continues....Bye for now....
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