Home Sweet Home: Is This Just a Dream?!

It has been about four months since we have been pre-approved for a home. With the housing market the way it is, one would think we would have been able to find a house we like, place an offer, have the offer accepted, and be moving into that house by now. BUT NOOOOOOOO!!!! We are on our fifth offer and it appears we will most likely be getting rejected for the fifth time!!!! It's ridiculous!!!! Why is this happening? Well, granted, there are many homes out there for sale right now. But many have a short sale status which is not the type of home to go for if you want one in the next decade. Other homes are bank repos/forclosed. With the bank repos, you have to either be a handy person or be willing to move far, far away. The homes we have put bids on have been gems and quite a good deal given the area they are in and their potential. We're not settling for just any home in any neighborhood. What we are finding out is that we are choosing to put offers on some of the best homes in our price range. What this means is that we will most likely be coming up against other potential buyers and investors who see the same benefits of the properties as we do. Therefore, it becomes a situation in which the buyer with the best offer gets the property. My husband thought we would be getting a home within a month of being pre-approved. I didn't think it would be that quick but I sure didn't anticipate this process of looking, seeing one we like, placing an offer, and getting rejected each time either. It's definitely frustrating!!!!! It just seems like those situations that should be coming fairly easy for us end up being drawn out and complicated. Is this what the real world is like all the time?! Will we ever get a home by the end of the summer? Home Sweet Home seems like just a dream!!!!

From 13 to 30-Something: Whew, How Time Goes By

I remember when I was just hitting my teens and my dad had told me that as I would get older, time would go by faster and before I knew it I would be in my 30s. Being in that mentality that I was practically immortal and having enjoyed the long days of summer, I could not understand or believe my father's words. Time back then just seemed to go by in slower motion. It seemed like an eternity until my birthday, or Christmas, or Halloween, or summertime. The only instances of experiencing the speed of time was when the final days of summer arrived before school started again or when an actual celebration was going on or when I had to present in front of the class.

Within the past few years, I have really revisited my father's words of wisdom. AND ALAS, IT'S TRUE, HERE I AM, IN MY 30s, AND TIME IS FLYING BY!!!!! I now have to say, SLOW DOWN!!!!!

What makes time fly by so fast as we get older? I believe it's the increase in responsibilities and tasks that we must complete. Our days become filled with things we must get done and the downtime lessens. We really do have to make the effort to stop and smell the roses!

This fast pace speed of time really makes me miss those slower days. Yet, now I have a better appreciation for the downtime as I know it's an opportunity to take time out and just be!!!! Bye for now!!!

CaptinsRio

I Survived the Dreaded Hysterosalpingogram

Well, here I am safe and sound!!! I made it through the HSG! Well, I must say that my experience was not as bad as I anticipated. First off, I'd like to say that I tend to be one of those people that must research all that I can about a situation before I get into it. It comes from the anxiety related to uncertainty. Knowledge for me helps me to prepare and to gain some control over my outcome. Unfortunately, this can also lead to increased anxiety and stress when the information is unfavorable. This is what occurred with the HSG. It didn't help that my doctor emphasized that it was a painful test. It would have been easier had he said it varies from woman to woman. So, there I was researching every website and blog I could find on this test and people's responses. The main themes that stuck out were that the test was painful and to be prepared by taking a pain reliever. There was some information that indicated it wasn't a particularly painful test, but nevertheless, I focused in on the "pain" theme. So as the days went by and today got closer, I became more nervous, having stress dreams and not being able to "just relax." I also wasn't thrilled that I had to take a heavy dose of antibiotic in the morning, which meant I had to eat!!

So, this morning I was up at 7am although I was awake since 5am. I ate what I could and then decided to just take half of the antiobiotic (it was in a powder form). I figured I could take the other half when I got home. I managed to get it down and then I took a shower, got ready, and tried to get my mind off by reading the newspaper and practicing deep breathing. Howevever, I found that the best thing for me was to pace and play with my cats. Since my appointment was at 10:15, I took 600 mg of Advil an hour before the appointment and arrived about 20 minutes early. You should have seen me as I walked to the radiology department. I was walking like I had already had some procedure done and my face must have had a pathetic look to it as people just stared at me. Luckily my husband was able to take me to the appointment and his humor was well appreciated.

They called me in on time but I ended up having to wait an hour before the actual procedure. And my husband was not allowed to go with me. So there I was waiting with other patients in a hospital gown nude from my waist down underneath. I sat for awhile and then decided to stand up as there was a friendly woman who was waiting with her husband. I made small talk which took my mind off of the nerves. Then, the radiology tech came to get me and walked me to the room. She was rather nice and friendly, seeming like she could be part of the hospitality personnel. I thought to myself that given most women are nervous about this test, they were smart to have a friendly person to assist the doctor. She asked if I had this procedure before and if I knew much about it. She then proceeded to explain what was involved. She was very reassurring that it was a quick test and that the discomfort varied from woman to woman. I was surprised to find out that there were no stirrups involved which made it seem a bit less intimidating.

When the radiologist entered the room, he was polite and introduced himself. He was about my age and had a pleasant, comforting demeanor about him. He explained to me what he was going to do and that he would be explaining each step along the way. He was honest about what parts of the test would produce discomfort and the length of the procedure. At this point, I was nervous but not as much as I had been. This speaks to the impact the medical staff has on a patient. I think I would have been very nervous if I had encountered cold, insensitive people. Well, it was now or never and I was as ready as I could be.

So, the tech had me lie on the hard table. I did have a pillow for my head which was nice. The tech took an xray of the area prior to the procedure. I thought one down a few more steps to go. So far so good! Then, the doctor stepped in and stated he was going to insert the speculum. He actually did a better job than some OBGYNS I've had in the past!!! The only downer was that the speculum was a bit cold, but that was no big deal. Step two down and I was still doing well!!!! He then explained that he was about to clean the cervix. As he did this, I tried to relax with some deep breaths. I could feel the poking going on but it wasn't painful. The cleansing was complete and step three was done. Next he told me was going to insert the cannula/catheter through the cervix. He stated I would feel the pressure and some cramping when the balloon would inflate. He explained that the balloon was there to prevent the cannula from coming out. The catheter went in without a problem and without any pain. When the balloon inflated, I felt some pressure. Then, the cramping came. I would liken it to mild menstrual cramps. It was a constant feeling and quite tolerable to tell you the truth. Step 4 was done. At this point, the doctor stated that the longest part was done. He told me that the actual injection of the dye would be about 10-15 seconds. That doesn't sound so bad. He then stated that when the dye would be injected, I would feel an increase in cramping but that it would not last long. So, I took a deep breath and started humming to myself. As the dye went in, I initially did not feel anything. He began to state that the right fallopian tube was clear and open. Right after, I felt an increase in the cramping. Boy did it hurt! I would compare it to the pain associated with my two miscarriages. I started taking deep breaths and was griping the ends of the table. At this point, the doctor was done and stated that the pain would subside briefly. He took the catheter out and sure enough the pain began to subside. Overall, I experienced about 30 seconds of the intense cramping. As the pain subsided, I thought to myself, wow I made it through and it wasn't the worst thing I could have experienced. Sure, I had some intense pain but it was tolerable given the short duration. As I took a sigh of relief, the doctor had me look at the monitor and explained the picture. He stated that I was "anatomically normal" and proceeded to discuss how my tubes were clear and open, and how I did not appear to have any polyps or fibriods. So there was actually a really cool part to all this: I got my results immediately and I found out I did not have any structural issues. I thanked the doctor and really felt a sense of accomplishment for going through with this test and not whimping out.

The radiology tech spoke to me as I lied there for about a minute more and discussed how a cool side effect may be the increased chance for pregnancy. She told me not to have intercourse for about two days. After I got up, got my clothes, went to the bathroom and changed. She led me to the main waiting room and I felt pretty good. My husband's initial response was "Well, by your smiles I can assume it wasn't as bad as you thought."

It's true, it really wasn't as bad I had imagined. It's definitely a story to tell! Overall, I can say that it isn't the most pleasant of experiences but not the worst one either. The flu, a miscarriage, a broken heart, food poisening are all worse experiences in my opinion. This experience just goes to show that our anxiety can be our worst enemy

So, where to go from here? Well, I now have to wait for my doctor connect with me to determine the next step. I believe he will probably try for the IUI again. At least I have hope restored full strength again!!! Let's see if the third time is indeed a charm. Take care for now!!!!!!! CaptinsRio

Infertility and Miscarriage: A Double Whammy!

If you had asked me ten years ago about pregnancy and having a child, I would have firmly stated "Not me!!! Not now!!!" I was single, just heading off to grad school, and still naive about many things. I would have also confidently stated that at the drop of a hat, I could get pregnant as I believed as I was quite fertile (I had normal cycles, no major health problems, my mother had five kids, etc.). When my husband and I got married about five years ago, having a child was not a priority for us. We didn't feel ready and quite frankly I was scared to death at the thought of pregnancy and being a mother. We decided to wait about 2 years to try!!! We came up with so many reasons to wait: I needed to finish grad school, he needed to finish his degree, I needed to get established in my career, we needed to get a house, and so on and so on....About 2 1/2 years later, we finely took the plunge and went on the adventure of trying to get pregnant. Three months went by and nothing. We thought "oh well...no big deal...just keep trying." Then six months and then a year went by. We thought "alright, something's not right here." So my OB/GYN referred us to infertility specialist. We would joke at the thought of one of us having a fertility issue given that we just didn't think that was a problem. When we were waiting for the results of the initial exams (consisting of blood work and semen analysis), we made bets as to who was the culprit. I honestly didn't think I could have any issues. Then, the news! We both had issues: My husband showed a low sperm count and I was diagnosed with anovulation. Our initial reaction was of surprise, especially me. Then, we became lighthearted about it as my doctor explained how common the conditions were and how easily treated they could be. Although together we were lighthearted, I felt a bit shaken up inside about the results. All this time, I thought I could easily get pregnant. All those messages about how easy I could get pregnant!!! Getting on the pill!!! I began to have regrets about some of the decisions I made to wait and prolong motherhood. I also felt a hint of feeling less than a woman...afterall, I also grew up believing that part of being a woman meant having the ability to become pregnant quite easily. It wasn't that simple!! This was a sentiment that would come up for me again and again. So began the journey into the world of infertility....

Soon after our results, my doctor decided that we were both good candidates for clomiphene treatment and intrauterine insemination. Given the success rate, we figured it would be a long process to become pregnant (long as in 3-4 months). It took about a couple of months before we began the IUI process as I develop a cyst from the clomiphene. So here it was, November 2007, and we were embarking on our first IUI. I was a bit nervous about the procedure (I hate the unknown) but other than that, we weren't expecting anything from the procedure. My doctor made sure to drill in our heads that there was only about a 10% chance of becoming pregnant the first time around. The procedure was not too bad...a bit of cramping. Other than that, it was pretty uneventful. Two weeks go by and we return to the doctor. Expecting a negative result, we were ready to begin the process over again. Than the nurse comes in and shows the doctor the faint line on the pregnancy. He announces to us with such joy that we were pregnant. WHAT?!!!!! Yeah right!!!! But it was true....we were!!!!! We were in gleeful shock!!! My doctor (a relatively serious man with a dry sense of humor) appeared about as happy as we were. We made that 10% success rate!!!! It felt so surreal...I was going to be a mom! Me, the baby of the family was going to have a baby!!! We discussed right away if we should wait to tell our parents. We were so ready to share news that we decided just to tell our parents and siblings. That was such a wonderful feeling. Out of five children, I would be the one to give my parents a grandbaby!!! It was a happy time, probably one of the happiest times of my life. Yeah, I was still scared to death about being a mother, but I was ready to accept that role. Well, this joyous time was to be short-lived. About a week later, I was informed that hcg levels were dropping and I was having a miscarriage. Talk about a big slap in the face!!! i was at work and waited until I got home that evening to break down and cry in front of my husband. It was around the time of my birthday that I went through my miscarriage of about five weeks. Physically, it was painful. Emotionally, it was excruciating. I lost a life that I never got to meet...It really was unexpected. After all, wasn't pregnancy just supposed to happen? How was this possible? What was wrong with me? .........

I went through my grief period and gradually regained my sense of hope back, especially since my doctor stated that it was not an uncommon occurrence and that I still had an 80% chance of having a normal pregnancy. So we went through our second IUI in March 2008. AND AGAIN, WE BECAME PREGNANT!!! Wow, two times in a row we were successful. What a blessing!!! Now, although, I had the 80% in my head and could rationalize how my chances were great, i still had that nagging thought in the back of my mind that made me feel uneasy. What if this pregnancy ends up in a miscarriage as well? Nahhhhh.....I would just try and brush it off. Well, the nagging thought turned out to be a way for me to prepare for yet another tradegy. I got the call again (at work again) that my hcg levels were decreasing and I was going through another miscarriage. At five and a half weeks, I had my second miscarriage. Although somewhat prepared, I can say this was emotionally more difficult for me than the first. NOt only did I have to go through the grief of a loss again, I really began to get down on myself. I thought "What is wrong with me!??!!!! I am such a failure!!!!!" I felt so alone and disheartened. Why was it that there were women around me getting pregnant without much effort? I began to be envious of those women. Why didn't I get pregnant when I was younger? I began to believe that I made a mistake in waiting too long. My Catholic guilt kicked in about using contraception at the onset of marriage. Why did I have to take those stupid pills? Why had I been so selfish?

Well, here it is three months later. I'm a 33 year old woman who is trying to have a baby and desires to be a mother and share my love with a little one. I can say that at this point in my process, I have learned some valuable lessons. Lesson one: Don't take fertility for granted. I really took for granted the gift of pregnancy and motherhood. It doesn't come easy for many women. About one in seven women have fertility issues. I have found out about so many women who have had miscarriages, difficulty becoming pregnant, and have been through a similar process. Lesson two: Sometimes the choices we make in life are appropriate for that time in life. I have learned to accept the choices of my past in terms of not trying to get pregnant earlier. What if I did get pregnant at a younger age? I probably would have not been as good a mother as I know I would be now. I just wasn't ready and I knew that having a child requires much attention and time, both of which I didn't think I could handle back then. Lesson three: Connecting with others is a powerful healing tool. This has been a very lonely experience for me. Many aspectsof this process have not been a shared experience. It was very easy at times to stay in my head and try to deal with the emotions and the thoughts on my own. However, once I began to talk about my experiences with friends and loved ones as well as read others' stories online, the loneliness began to lift and I began to gain more peace and a spark of hope.

Well, being that I am still in the midst of the journey through infertility, I am still in the process of gaining lessons. Next week, I get to experience the infamous hystersalpingogram (HSG). The doctor that filled in for my doctor when he was on vacation, explained the test in one sentence when I asked about it, "It is a test to determine if there is any problems in your uterus and it is very painful." Gees, thanks, guy!!! Thanks to him, I am scared to death. It's that unknown again!!! I have put it off for a couple of months hoping by some miracle of God that I would get pregnant on our own. But of course not!!! So, I am finally giving in and going for it. I understand that women have had various experiences from minimal discomfort to the worst pain imaginable. We'll see what my testimony will be!!!! And so the journey continues....Bye for now....