Third Time is NOT a Charm!!!!!

I feel that I am finally ready to write this reflection! Tomorrow, Thanksgiving, would have been the end of my first trimester. However, I will not be celebrating such an event. About two weeks ago, during my second ultrasound appointment, my husband and I were devastated by the news that our baby had died. There was no heartbeat. I was about 10 weeks pregnant(baby showed at 8 weeks 5 days). Just two weeks prior to this dreadful day, my husband and I got to experience the life of our baby as we got to see the little one on the ultrasound and detect the strong heartbeat. At that time, the baby showed at 6 weeks 5 days. What a moment!!!!! It was new and wonderful for both of us. I thought maybe this time this little one will make it!!!! I, of course, still had my worries and cautions as it was still the first trimester and I wasn't really feeling too pregnant. But, most of what I had read stated that once a heartbeat is detected the chance of a successful pregnancy is about 95%. What odds!!!!! I was now letting my guard down...I was actually starting to relax and accept that this would work out. As the appointment for the second ultrasound approached, I was getting ansy. I was hoping to see the growth of the baby and hear that heartbeat again. I was also preparing to make a bigger announcement to people that I was pregnant.

So, there we were in the doctor's office. My doctor walks in and states "I have been hearing wonderful things about you. You seem to be doing well so far." He had a proud smile. Wow, that made me feel good. I am not a failure! I can sustain a pregnancy!!! So we go to the ultrasound room. He preps me and begins the process. The screen is facing the doctor and away from me. My husband was positioned to be able to see the screen. I take a deep breath and just wait. Silence. The doctor continues to view the screen but does not say anything. My husband looks on not knowing what he is looking at. I am looking at both their faces to try and get a sense of what is going on. Silence.....I stare at the clock and begin to have that sinking feeling that something bad is about to happen. Then, the affirmation of that bad feeling. With a sigh and shake of his head, the doctor communicates what I feared all along. He then states the following, "there is no heartbeat. I have been trying to look from all angles and it is just not there." I immediately begin to cry the cry of grief and loss. My husband holds my hand and just looks at the screen with a look of silent shock. My doctor continues to talk about what wasn't there with the heartbeat but I could not hear his words. All I could think was how and why!!! I did manage to hear him when he said that the death must have just happened because the baby showed growth that was right on target with where it should have been at this time. As I gathered myself and tried to control the tears enough to finish this appointment, he briefly comforted me and allow my husband and I some time. I was able to briefly see the screen. My baby had grown. Why did you have to die?

After the appointment, I had to go to the lab for some blood tests to rule out certain problems and to check my hormone levels. The wait to get my blood drawn seemed like an eternity and the place was crowded. All I wanted was to grieve in private. When I got home, I was able to cry as I needed to....All I could ask God was why and how and what did I do? I began to state to myself that I can't do this anymore. I thought of how my husband must feel and how I have failed him again. I thought of failing my family as they were looking forward to a little one. I thought how no one should go through this and that I would never wish this on anyone. So many thoughts.....The other part to all this was how I was going to have my miscarriage. I was given options that included the following: D and C (surgery), wait and allow miscarriage to happen naturally, or induce miscarriage. I also had the a small grain of hope that the doctor was wrong and that my hormone levels would show I was doing fine. Maybe a miracle could happen yet!

What I knew I needed during this time was to be able to talk with others. To carry this pain on my own would be torturous. So, I revealed my news to those that had been taking this journey with me. I was not alone and it felt so good to rely on others and gain support. As I told my news and my story, the pain got a little less heavy. It also helped me to decide what I would do as far as the miscarrige. Over the weekend, I got the confirmation that my hormone levels were dropping as affirming of a miscarriage. That stirred up the pain again. But, I was prepared with what I would choose to do. I decided to go through with the surgery. I had been through two miscarriages before through natural method and what a physically painful ordeal. From my understanding, the surgery would be quicker in terms of the miscarriage itself and the recovery.

I was so afraid of the surgery. Plus, I was told I may have to wait about a week and a half for the surgery as there were no openings. By the Monday after the devastating news, I was recovering from the initial emotional turmoil. My focus now was on getting through to the week and hoping I would not miscarry earlier than the surgery. I forced myself to go to work which was a really good decision as it helped me to try to get back into a normal routine. As the end of the week approached, I got the news that the D and C was scheduled for that Friday. I got nervous because although I was glad it was sooner than expected, I was scared about the procedure. Oh well, I thought, it was my best option and I wanted to have closure quickly.

Well, I must say that the surgery went well and it was the BEST decision I made for myself. The worst part of the whole process that Friday was the anticipatory anxiety and the inability to eat for 14 hours prior to the surgery. The staff and the doctor who performed the surgery was awesome. The whole procedure was explained to me. In pre -op room, I was well prepared by the nurses. I got to have deep sedation, which allowed me to sleep through the procedure, but recover more quickly and with less side effects than complete general anesthesia. Wow, that stuff works great and I sure enjoyed the relaxed,drunk feeling. My husband supported me the whole time and my buddy was even there during my recovery before I departed home that evening. I was really, really pleased with the process. I did not have really any pain and the bleeding was light. Compared to my two previous miscarriages, this was a breeze.

So, here I am almost a week after the surgery and two weeks after the crappy news and you're wondering how I am doing. Well, first of all, here is what I am not doing: I am not having a pity party, I am not feeling like a failure, I am not in a state of deep grief, I am not giving up on my quest to be a mother.

Well, here's what I have taken from this whole ordeal. I have faced the fact that I am now in that small percentage of women who have recurrent miscarriages (also known as fetal loss syndrome). Sounds hopeless, but I am still quite hopeful. Many women with multiple miscarriages still go on to have a healthy pregnancy and baby. I am not old yet and there is still time for me. I am also looking forward and now on the quest to find out why this keeps happening. There's got to be an answer out there for me. The surgeon will be referring me to a reproductive endocronologist who specializes in cases like mine. This brings relief to me as I know there's still room to investigate.

I have also really been able to realize and be aware of how fortunate I am to have the love and support of my friends and family. I am sooo grateful for these people and feel that I am very rich in this sense.

My husband and I continue to become stronger as a couple. Many times, couples split up as a result of such an issue. Or they have significant problems. We are quite the opposite. I think it's because we have a strong sense of family and love for one another. I also believe it is because we are on the same page about how we deal with things. We acknowledge the situation and our feelings, deal with them in our own ways, and then look toward the future. We tend not to remain stuck or to dwell. We also utilize much humor to cope.

I really don't know what is in store for us. Are we to remain a childless couple? Will we get to have a child of our own? Who knows. We do have much to offer and would make damn good parents. But, not every couple gets to be parents. What a complicated world!

So, whoever said third time is a charm was definitely living in lala land!!!

My baby at 6 weeks 5 days

The following is one of many tributes to those little ones who were lost to a miscarriage.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZVupT6tvlUE

The following video was the first one that I saw the first time I had a miscarriage. It has much meaning for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSW0oVouxXg

Third Time is a Charm?!!!

Sorry it has been so long since I have last written! It has been very crazy these past two months with no end to the craziness. We actually bought a house! After months of searching, placing offers, and rejections, we finally had an offer accepted. It's an older home with some fixing up needed. But it's a great location with nice neighbors so far. We've been sooooo busy moving things in, fixing up the place, and buying necessary items. We're nowhere near done with this process given that it's really just the two of us, and really my husband has been doing most of the work. But all worth it as it is OUR HOME!!!!

I've also been getting busier with work as I just started my private practice. I'm currently seeing clients one day a week in the afternoon and evening. This means working longer hours at my primary job to make up for the hours I spend in the private practice. It's alot of work!!!!! But, I must say it is quite fulfilling to be seeing clients on my own and who are adults. I saw my first clients last Thursday and what an experience! I really was able to see how much I have grown as a clinician and professional. Just three years ago, I would not have been able to handle such clients!!! It's a blessing and I thank God!

When it rains, it pours....We just found out last week that I am pregnant again for the third time! Given my previous miscarriages and the accompanying emotional rollacoaster, I naturally became worried and somewhat pessimistic about it. But, I also had much hope and prayed like never before. I have also been receiving many prayers. So far so good, my HcG levels are rising as they should and I am now about 5 1/2 weeks pregnant. I'm still not out of the red zone yet, and feel I must be cautious and not get overly excited. It's so hard though! I don't think I could go through another miscarriage only to try again! My only symptoms are intermittent stomach aches and headaches. Please pray for us on this one!!!! It would definitely be our miracle baby! I really do hope third time is a charm.

Restored Hope

It just may be that I may finally be getting a break here in the journey of infertility and finding a home. Yesterday was indeed a great day! It began with a visit to the infertility specialist after about two months of tests. I expected that my doctor would tell me that all the tests that I have done this far to determine the cause of the two miscarriages were normal and that I could proceed with the clomiphene treatment and IUI procedure again. Sure enough this was the case. I could say I had some hope in pursuing this path again but I also had much ambivalence about going through more problems, with a third miscarriage at the top of my list. What was a pleasant surprise to me was that the doctor explained that there are some additional things I will be able to do this time to further prevent a miscarriage. First, he told me to start taking a low dose (i.e., 81 mg) aspirin once a day starting yesterday. He reported there had been some studies that suggested this may help to prevent a miscarriage. He explained that this relates to the body seeing the pregnancy as an infection and wanting to fight it, so that the aspirin may play a role in preventing this from occurring. I also looked on-line and read that aspirin may also help with blood flow to the uterus. It's not a for sure thing given that research doesn't strongly support it, but it doesn't hurt to try this method. I had never heard of this and so I was intrigued. I also felt a spark inside me that raised my hope a bit. Furthermore, my doctor stated that once I became pregnant again, he would prescribe some progesterone suppositories, to help keep up the hormone levels. I had heard of this before and was going to ask him about this, so I was glad he was a step ahead of me. What it came down to is that he is covering all the bases possible given that there isn't a clear reason for the miscarriages. I suppose I should be frustrated that there isn't a clear cause but I am honestly not. I am just really glad that there is something more I can do to try and sustain a pregnancy. This really makes me understand the lengths people go to try and find something that will give them some control over an unknown force and restore hope. I won't lie and say that I am completely confident that third time is charm for me. I believe there is going to be that part of me that will ask "how long will this pregnancy last before I lose it?" I won't ignore that part because it's the part that can prepare me for the difficult stuff should it happen again. But I also believe strongly that if I am meant to be a mother, it will happen. And I can hope on this! So continues this part of my journey...

The other important event that happened yesterday is that our offer on a house got accepted! We got the call in the evening from our realtor. It was funny because my husband was recovering from laser eye surgery and was still feeling the effects of Xanax big time. So he had a meek "yeah" come from his mouth. I did all the jumping and dancing for the both of us. This was our sixth offer, so sixth time was a charm!!! And so now begins the journey of being a homeowner. Very exciting and scary!! The worrier in me wonders how we are going to pay for everything. But the now very hopeful part of me is looking forward to starting new memories and creating a place of our own.

So, could all this mean that all is about to come together and we are going to move to the next part of the journey of life? Or, will there be more setbacks ahead? Who knows! But, I can be hopeful, patient, and faithful!!!! Captinsrio

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."----Romans 12:12

You Know You've Matured When....

Just this past weekend my husband and I went to Santa Barbara with my parents and sister for the annual fiesta days. At one point, my husband and I went on our own to walk around the downtown area and check out the nightlife. Being the college town that it is, there were so many young 20-somethings out and about that the older folks really stood out like sore thumbs. At one point, my husband and I wanted to get a drink at a bar and people watch. We walked by so many bars looking for a place that wasn't so crowded and so young looking. We finally spotted a bar and went in. We must've been about the oldest people there, although I think one couldn't tell. What was amazing was the behavior of the crowd. Girls dressed in the skimpiest of attire and putting on the "I'm so hot and drunk and I'll do anything" attitude while the boys sitting in packs and on the prowl for their catch of the night. We watched the crowd, laughed at people's behavior, and discussed what it would be like to be single again and coming into such an atmosphere. Where once a long time ago, I would have jumped at the opportunity to go "clubbing" in such an atmosphere with such people, now I would hate to have to endure such a situation. The stares, the pick-up lines, the raunchy behavior---NO THANK YOU!!!!! I guess I have matured a bit!!!! CaptinsRio

Home Sweet Home: Is This Just a Dream?!

It has been about four months since we have been pre-approved for a home. With the housing market the way it is, one would think we would have been able to find a house we like, place an offer, have the offer accepted, and be moving into that house by now. BUT NOOOOOOOO!!!! We are on our fifth offer and it appears we will most likely be getting rejected for the fifth time!!!! It's ridiculous!!!! Why is this happening? Well, granted, there are many homes out there for sale right now. But many have a short sale status which is not the type of home to go for if you want one in the next decade. Other homes are bank repos/forclosed. With the bank repos, you have to either be a handy person or be willing to move far, far away. The homes we have put bids on have been gems and quite a good deal given the area they are in and their potential. We're not settling for just any home in any neighborhood. What we are finding out is that we are choosing to put offers on some of the best homes in our price range. What this means is that we will most likely be coming up against other potential buyers and investors who see the same benefits of the properties as we do. Therefore, it becomes a situation in which the buyer with the best offer gets the property. My husband thought we would be getting a home within a month of being pre-approved. I didn't think it would be that quick but I sure didn't anticipate this process of looking, seeing one we like, placing an offer, and getting rejected each time either. It's definitely frustrating!!!!! It just seems like those situations that should be coming fairly easy for us end up being drawn out and complicated. Is this what the real world is like all the time?! Will we ever get a home by the end of the summer? Home Sweet Home seems like just a dream!!!!

From 13 to 30-Something: Whew, How Time Goes By

I remember when I was just hitting my teens and my dad had told me that as I would get older, time would go by faster and before I knew it I would be in my 30s. Being in that mentality that I was practically immortal and having enjoyed the long days of summer, I could not understand or believe my father's words. Time back then just seemed to go by in slower motion. It seemed like an eternity until my birthday, or Christmas, or Halloween, or summertime. The only instances of experiencing the speed of time was when the final days of summer arrived before school started again or when an actual celebration was going on or when I had to present in front of the class.

Within the past few years, I have really revisited my father's words of wisdom. AND ALAS, IT'S TRUE, HERE I AM, IN MY 30s, AND TIME IS FLYING BY!!!!! I now have to say, SLOW DOWN!!!!!

What makes time fly by so fast as we get older? I believe it's the increase in responsibilities and tasks that we must complete. Our days become filled with things we must get done and the downtime lessens. We really do have to make the effort to stop and smell the roses!

This fast pace speed of time really makes me miss those slower days. Yet, now I have a better appreciation for the downtime as I know it's an opportunity to take time out and just be!!!! Bye for now!!!

CaptinsRio

I Survived the Dreaded Hysterosalpingogram

Well, here I am safe and sound!!! I made it through the HSG! Well, I must say that my experience was not as bad as I anticipated. First off, I'd like to say that I tend to be one of those people that must research all that I can about a situation before I get into it. It comes from the anxiety related to uncertainty. Knowledge for me helps me to prepare and to gain some control over my outcome. Unfortunately, this can also lead to increased anxiety and stress when the information is unfavorable. This is what occurred with the HSG. It didn't help that my doctor emphasized that it was a painful test. It would have been easier had he said it varies from woman to woman. So, there I was researching every website and blog I could find on this test and people's responses. The main themes that stuck out were that the test was painful and to be prepared by taking a pain reliever. There was some information that indicated it wasn't a particularly painful test, but nevertheless, I focused in on the "pain" theme. So as the days went by and today got closer, I became more nervous, having stress dreams and not being able to "just relax." I also wasn't thrilled that I had to take a heavy dose of antibiotic in the morning, which meant I had to eat!!

So, this morning I was up at 7am although I was awake since 5am. I ate what I could and then decided to just take half of the antiobiotic (it was in a powder form). I figured I could take the other half when I got home. I managed to get it down and then I took a shower, got ready, and tried to get my mind off by reading the newspaper and practicing deep breathing. Howevever, I found that the best thing for me was to pace and play with my cats. Since my appointment was at 10:15, I took 600 mg of Advil an hour before the appointment and arrived about 20 minutes early. You should have seen me as I walked to the radiology department. I was walking like I had already had some procedure done and my face must have had a pathetic look to it as people just stared at me. Luckily my husband was able to take me to the appointment and his humor was well appreciated.

They called me in on time but I ended up having to wait an hour before the actual procedure. And my husband was not allowed to go with me. So there I was waiting with other patients in a hospital gown nude from my waist down underneath. I sat for awhile and then decided to stand up as there was a friendly woman who was waiting with her husband. I made small talk which took my mind off of the nerves. Then, the radiology tech came to get me and walked me to the room. She was rather nice and friendly, seeming like she could be part of the hospitality personnel. I thought to myself that given most women are nervous about this test, they were smart to have a friendly person to assist the doctor. She asked if I had this procedure before and if I knew much about it. She then proceeded to explain what was involved. She was very reassurring that it was a quick test and that the discomfort varied from woman to woman. I was surprised to find out that there were no stirrups involved which made it seem a bit less intimidating.

When the radiologist entered the room, he was polite and introduced himself. He was about my age and had a pleasant, comforting demeanor about him. He explained to me what he was going to do and that he would be explaining each step along the way. He was honest about what parts of the test would produce discomfort and the length of the procedure. At this point, I was nervous but not as much as I had been. This speaks to the impact the medical staff has on a patient. I think I would have been very nervous if I had encountered cold, insensitive people. Well, it was now or never and I was as ready as I could be.

So, the tech had me lie on the hard table. I did have a pillow for my head which was nice. The tech took an xray of the area prior to the procedure. I thought one down a few more steps to go. So far so good! Then, the doctor stepped in and stated he was going to insert the speculum. He actually did a better job than some OBGYNS I've had in the past!!! The only downer was that the speculum was a bit cold, but that was no big deal. Step two down and I was still doing well!!!! He then explained that he was about to clean the cervix. As he did this, I tried to relax with some deep breaths. I could feel the poking going on but it wasn't painful. The cleansing was complete and step three was done. Next he told me was going to insert the cannula/catheter through the cervix. He stated I would feel the pressure and some cramping when the balloon would inflate. He explained that the balloon was there to prevent the cannula from coming out. The catheter went in without a problem and without any pain. When the balloon inflated, I felt some pressure. Then, the cramping came. I would liken it to mild menstrual cramps. It was a constant feeling and quite tolerable to tell you the truth. Step 4 was done. At this point, the doctor stated that the longest part was done. He told me that the actual injection of the dye would be about 10-15 seconds. That doesn't sound so bad. He then stated that when the dye would be injected, I would feel an increase in cramping but that it would not last long. So, I took a deep breath and started humming to myself. As the dye went in, I initially did not feel anything. He began to state that the right fallopian tube was clear and open. Right after, I felt an increase in the cramping. Boy did it hurt! I would compare it to the pain associated with my two miscarriages. I started taking deep breaths and was griping the ends of the table. At this point, the doctor was done and stated that the pain would subside briefly. He took the catheter out and sure enough the pain began to subside. Overall, I experienced about 30 seconds of the intense cramping. As the pain subsided, I thought to myself, wow I made it through and it wasn't the worst thing I could have experienced. Sure, I had some intense pain but it was tolerable given the short duration. As I took a sigh of relief, the doctor had me look at the monitor and explained the picture. He stated that I was "anatomically normal" and proceeded to discuss how my tubes were clear and open, and how I did not appear to have any polyps or fibriods. So there was actually a really cool part to all this: I got my results immediately and I found out I did not have any structural issues. I thanked the doctor and really felt a sense of accomplishment for going through with this test and not whimping out.

The radiology tech spoke to me as I lied there for about a minute more and discussed how a cool side effect may be the increased chance for pregnancy. She told me not to have intercourse for about two days. After I got up, got my clothes, went to the bathroom and changed. She led me to the main waiting room and I felt pretty good. My husband's initial response was "Well, by your smiles I can assume it wasn't as bad as you thought."

It's true, it really wasn't as bad I had imagined. It's definitely a story to tell! Overall, I can say that it isn't the most pleasant of experiences but not the worst one either. The flu, a miscarriage, a broken heart, food poisening are all worse experiences in my opinion. This experience just goes to show that our anxiety can be our worst enemy

So, where to go from here? Well, I now have to wait for my doctor connect with me to determine the next step. I believe he will probably try for the IUI again. At least I have hope restored full strength again!!! Let's see if the third time is indeed a charm. Take care for now!!!!!!! CaptinsRio

Infertility and Miscarriage: A Double Whammy!

If you had asked me ten years ago about pregnancy and having a child, I would have firmly stated "Not me!!! Not now!!!" I was single, just heading off to grad school, and still naive about many things. I would have also confidently stated that at the drop of a hat, I could get pregnant as I believed as I was quite fertile (I had normal cycles, no major health problems, my mother had five kids, etc.). When my husband and I got married about five years ago, having a child was not a priority for us. We didn't feel ready and quite frankly I was scared to death at the thought of pregnancy and being a mother. We decided to wait about 2 years to try!!! We came up with so many reasons to wait: I needed to finish grad school, he needed to finish his degree, I needed to get established in my career, we needed to get a house, and so on and so on....About 2 1/2 years later, we finely took the plunge and went on the adventure of trying to get pregnant. Three months went by and nothing. We thought "oh well...no big deal...just keep trying." Then six months and then a year went by. We thought "alright, something's not right here." So my OB/GYN referred us to infertility specialist. We would joke at the thought of one of us having a fertility issue given that we just didn't think that was a problem. When we were waiting for the results of the initial exams (consisting of blood work and semen analysis), we made bets as to who was the culprit. I honestly didn't think I could have any issues. Then, the news! We both had issues: My husband showed a low sperm count and I was diagnosed with anovulation. Our initial reaction was of surprise, especially me. Then, we became lighthearted about it as my doctor explained how common the conditions were and how easily treated they could be. Although together we were lighthearted, I felt a bit shaken up inside about the results. All this time, I thought I could easily get pregnant. All those messages about how easy I could get pregnant!!! Getting on the pill!!! I began to have regrets about some of the decisions I made to wait and prolong motherhood. I also felt a hint of feeling less than a woman...afterall, I also grew up believing that part of being a woman meant having the ability to become pregnant quite easily. It wasn't that simple!! This was a sentiment that would come up for me again and again. So began the journey into the world of infertility....

Soon after our results, my doctor decided that we were both good candidates for clomiphene treatment and intrauterine insemination. Given the success rate, we figured it would be a long process to become pregnant (long as in 3-4 months). It took about a couple of months before we began the IUI process as I develop a cyst from the clomiphene. So here it was, November 2007, and we were embarking on our first IUI. I was a bit nervous about the procedure (I hate the unknown) but other than that, we weren't expecting anything from the procedure. My doctor made sure to drill in our heads that there was only about a 10% chance of becoming pregnant the first time around. The procedure was not too bad...a bit of cramping. Other than that, it was pretty uneventful. Two weeks go by and we return to the doctor. Expecting a negative result, we were ready to begin the process over again. Than the nurse comes in and shows the doctor the faint line on the pregnancy. He announces to us with such joy that we were pregnant. WHAT?!!!!! Yeah right!!!! But it was true....we were!!!!! We were in gleeful shock!!! My doctor (a relatively serious man with a dry sense of humor) appeared about as happy as we were. We made that 10% success rate!!!! It felt so surreal...I was going to be a mom! Me, the baby of the family was going to have a baby!!! We discussed right away if we should wait to tell our parents. We were so ready to share news that we decided just to tell our parents and siblings. That was such a wonderful feeling. Out of five children, I would be the one to give my parents a grandbaby!!! It was a happy time, probably one of the happiest times of my life. Yeah, I was still scared to death about being a mother, but I was ready to accept that role. Well, this joyous time was to be short-lived. About a week later, I was informed that hcg levels were dropping and I was having a miscarriage. Talk about a big slap in the face!!! i was at work and waited until I got home that evening to break down and cry in front of my husband. It was around the time of my birthday that I went through my miscarriage of about five weeks. Physically, it was painful. Emotionally, it was excruciating. I lost a life that I never got to meet...It really was unexpected. After all, wasn't pregnancy just supposed to happen? How was this possible? What was wrong with me? .........

I went through my grief period and gradually regained my sense of hope back, especially since my doctor stated that it was not an uncommon occurrence and that I still had an 80% chance of having a normal pregnancy. So we went through our second IUI in March 2008. AND AGAIN, WE BECAME PREGNANT!!! Wow, two times in a row we were successful. What a blessing!!! Now, although, I had the 80% in my head and could rationalize how my chances were great, i still had that nagging thought in the back of my mind that made me feel uneasy. What if this pregnancy ends up in a miscarriage as well? Nahhhhh.....I would just try and brush it off. Well, the nagging thought turned out to be a way for me to prepare for yet another tradegy. I got the call again (at work again) that my hcg levels were decreasing and I was going through another miscarriage. At five and a half weeks, I had my second miscarriage. Although somewhat prepared, I can say this was emotionally more difficult for me than the first. NOt only did I have to go through the grief of a loss again, I really began to get down on myself. I thought "What is wrong with me!??!!!! I am such a failure!!!!!" I felt so alone and disheartened. Why was it that there were women around me getting pregnant without much effort? I began to be envious of those women. Why didn't I get pregnant when I was younger? I began to believe that I made a mistake in waiting too long. My Catholic guilt kicked in about using contraception at the onset of marriage. Why did I have to take those stupid pills? Why had I been so selfish?

Well, here it is three months later. I'm a 33 year old woman who is trying to have a baby and desires to be a mother and share my love with a little one. I can say that at this point in my process, I have learned some valuable lessons. Lesson one: Don't take fertility for granted. I really took for granted the gift of pregnancy and motherhood. It doesn't come easy for many women. About one in seven women have fertility issues. I have found out about so many women who have had miscarriages, difficulty becoming pregnant, and have been through a similar process. Lesson two: Sometimes the choices we make in life are appropriate for that time in life. I have learned to accept the choices of my past in terms of not trying to get pregnant earlier. What if I did get pregnant at a younger age? I probably would have not been as good a mother as I know I would be now. I just wasn't ready and I knew that having a child requires much attention and time, both of which I didn't think I could handle back then. Lesson three: Connecting with others is a powerful healing tool. This has been a very lonely experience for me. Many aspectsof this process have not been a shared experience. It was very easy at times to stay in my head and try to deal with the emotions and the thoughts on my own. However, once I began to talk about my experiences with friends and loved ones as well as read others' stories online, the loneliness began to lift and I began to gain more peace and a spark of hope.

Well, being that I am still in the midst of the journey through infertility, I am still in the process of gaining lessons. Next week, I get to experience the infamous hystersalpingogram (HSG). The doctor that filled in for my doctor when he was on vacation, explained the test in one sentence when I asked about it, "It is a test to determine if there is any problems in your uterus and it is very painful." Gees, thanks, guy!!! Thanks to him, I am scared to death. It's that unknown again!!! I have put it off for a couple of months hoping by some miracle of God that I would get pregnant on our own. But of course not!!! So, I am finally giving in and going for it. I understand that women have had various experiences from minimal discomfort to the worst pain imaginable. We'll see what my testimony will be!!!! And so the journey continues....Bye for now....