Baby #2

Well, yet again I slacked when it came to writing!  So many times I wanted to write but either would quickly forget or not have an opportunity for some quality writing time. That has been the case since being pregnant, giving birth to, and parenting my second child. To begin with, the pregnancy went well. There were many woes to be had such as yucky morning sickness, indigestion, and plenty of aches. But all in all no complications. I ended up choosing to have a c section as I didn't want the horrible experience of being induced a second time. It was the right decision for me as it went well. Such a weird experience to be alert during the surgery but tolerable! And I got a beautiful baby girl!  The recovery process was rough but I knew to take it easy. So hard to do though!  Especially with a 3 year old and limited help available!

I can say that it was helpful to have previous experience from our first to be a guide in dealing with our newborn girl. BUT....she was different from my first so still went through the getting to know her ways phase.  By different i mean more demanding and less easy going than our first. It's inevitable to compare the two!  I can say that the newborn phase is my least favorite stage given the many demands.  It doesn't mean I don't love my babies.  It's just a major time of adjustment with significant demands on physical and emotional well being.

I can say that it's definitely more challenging to have a baby when also taking care of a preachooler!  But after reflecting on the journey to get to this point I feel very blessed to experience parenthood with having two children! It has all been so worth it!

Blessings Can Happen!

It has been so long since I've last blogged.  It's been such a surreal time for me.  After my last miscarriage I waited a few months and went right back into the infertility treatment regimen to get pregnant.  I had really grown to despise parts of the treatment.  The hormone shots! the yucky side effects, and the lack of results were really getting old.  At one point! I decided to take a break from the treatment.  It was actually nice not to have to be on such a regimen.  Furthermore,  was just not feeling well.  Interestingly, it was during this time that i was able to conceive!  I truly believe it was a combination of not being so stressed out about trying to get pregnant as well as my husband better managing his diabetes.

It was such a surprise to when I was five days late and took that pregnancy test to see a positive result.  Honestly, at that moment I was just elated that we conceived on our own without the meds.  It felt like a miracle!  I basically said that no matter what happens, we did it on our own.

Well, 23 weeks later I am still preggers and doing well!  It was a rough first trimesyer with morning sickness but I survived!  I knew from the start I am having a girl and sure enough we are! Can't say I've been completely confident that all is well considering my history with miscarriage but i am feeling pretty positive she will be okay

So, through all the hardships and the roller coaster experience of four miscarriages and infertility, blessings can occur!

Miscarriage Yet Again!

Well, I am currently going through my fourth miscarriage.  Not a situation in which I want to be a pro or expert, but here I am again becoming more of an expert and pro on losing a baby...So as you can see from my last posting, my pregnancy was not doing well from the very beginning.  The Hcg levels never rose appropriately and it appeared that being on progesterone was just prolonging the inevitable.  I can say at least it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy!  When I found out it was not ectopic, I was soooo relieved...whew!  Of course, the doctor followed up that news with stating that the pregnancy still didn't look viable but to wait and see.  Yet more waiting!  But, by that point my hubby and I were preparing for a miscarriage and holding on to minimal hope.  There was a sense of comfort in being prepared for the worst being that it would protect our fragile emotions.  That was about two weeks ago.  The day before the final ultrasound, I started to spot.  I pretty much knew miscarriage was in my future.  The ultrasound the next day confirmed it.  There had been no growth in two weeks and no heart beat.  It measured at 5weeks and I should have been at 7weeks 5days.  When the doctor confirmed this, I did not have any emotion nor did my hubby.  We were prepared.  It was really a matter of fact scenario for us and that was completely fine with me.  What freaked me out was the doctor's recommendation that I jumpstart the actual miscarriage by the weekend using Cytotec...I had never used it and by the info I received I don't want to use it!  Luckily, I started having the cramping and bleeding this morning.  Yet, another sigh of relief!  I never would have thought I would welcome a miscarriage.  So far the cramping and bleeding is manageable.  I haven't had to take too much pain medication.  I'm supposed to get a Hcg test done on Friday morning to see if the levels are dropping.  If they aren't, then my doctor will make me use the Cytotec!  Hope it all goes well!

Limbo Is Hell

I wish I was writing with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.  Instead, I write with tears rolling down my cheeks and a heart full of grief, anger, and defeat.  For the past two years, I have known the joys and pains of parenthood.  I have a wonderful son, my miracle baby!  Well, my husband and I decided to pursue a second child and, after trying on our own without success, have taken the road of infertility treatment once again.  Going in, I thought it would be a piece of cake thinking, "We've done this and we are pros."  It was quite an overwhelming experience to have that first appointment and obtain the detailed plan that included hormone injections, monitoring, multiple risks, and huge amounts of money.  I just about bowed out thinking, "Hell no, that is way more than what I had to do the first time and seems too intensive!"  But one look at my beautiful angel of a son, and I decided to go forward with the process. We quickly adjusted and it became a routine, all the office visits, ultrasounds, blood tests, and injections.  With the first IUI, we didn't think we would get lucky first time around, although we joked about getting pregnant since it did happen the last round.  But, wouldn't you know it, we did get preggers!!!!  It felt good to see that positive hpt!  But with that feeling, came the worry and the nerves and the questions...would this time work out well with no problems or would that terrible roller coaster ride happen again?  But I was hopeful, after all!  I felt like we were armed and ready!  I knew to take my Lovenox to prevent any blood clots.  I figured I was healthy enough and that my body would welcome a pregnancy. 

Well, it's been hell since that positive hpt!  More like limbo!  It first came with the hcg levels.  First one was 127.  Not bad right?! Two days later, only rose to 178...my heart sank....I cried and assumed impending miscarriage.  Third one rose to about 300...still rising but not doubling.  Then, 900...again still rising but not doubling.  Went for an ultrasound but then the next blow hit.  Couldn't see anything in the uterus because my ovaries were too big due to OHSS, the mild form.  Great!  Can't rule out an ectopic pregnancy and have to deal with big ovaries now!  So we've been in this hellish limbo state for over a week.  I should be about six weeks pregnant now.  My hcg levels are significantly slowing now.  It went from 900 to 1207 in two days.  The test result tonight was only 1327.  I am preparing for miscarriage.  I don't have any hope left to give...I've tried to keep positive, I've hoped, I've prayed, and I've asked for prayers but it's looking dismal to me.  I'm so angry and sad and scared now.  Angry to have this happen after all we've been through before.  Haven't I had my share of crap with this journey already?! I feel sad because all the grief and emotional heartache is returning from the previous miscarriages/failures. I am scared of the physical pain to be endured and how to resolve it medically speaking.  Of course, I haven't spoken to the dr about this last hcg level and I am just concluding on my own.  The ultrasound will be the final answer to this all!  But, to carry any hope in that feels foolish and painful to do.  So this time around, this experience has been a limbo state.  To be in this limbo state in a pregnancy is hell, plain and simple!!!!

Week 37: The Waiting Game is Almost Over

Wow, I cannot believe I am here.  Week 37!  He's officially considered full-term!  I can tell you that I never thought I could get this far and now here I am....What a blessing!  All the heartache, disappointment, frustration, numerous doctors visits and diagnostic tests, all the poking and prodding is about to pay off finally.  And I would do it all again in a heartbeat!  In retrospect, looking at all we've been through, I can honestly say I am grateful for this journey...It has taught me so much about life, love, and human will.  I don't think I would've appreciated this pregnancy or the prospect of parenthood without it.  It's interesting how life's trials and challenges can be the best teachable experiences.

Well, I am now very excited to see and hold my son....BUT, also quite nervous about labor and delivery.  It's the unknown that is most anxiety-provoking as can be most unknowns.  I've read all the info on it, I've heard the stories, but I know that for each woman it is different and, therefore, I don't know how it will be for me.  I can only take solace in knowing that I will get through it, that I have a great coach (my hubby), and that I get to be a mother....

I was just taken off Lovenox and baby aspirin  a few days ago.  That is kinda scary to not have that  peace of mind for the rest of the pregnancy.  But, I am at a very low risk for any complications and it actually benefits me to be off of these blood thinners so that I can have an epidural (God forbid that I was denied that luxury and had to bear the pain).

Yes, there is that side of me that does remain cautious...He's not in my arms safe and sound yet.  And knowing my past experience of having something precious taken away from me, I can't help but be cautious.  I can only remain hopeful and positive that all will be well at this point.... 

Week 30: Movement, Tests, & Illness

Well, being in the third trimester certainly has been a roller coaster for me so far.  First, I can't believe how much the boy moves.  He moves now throughout the day.  Whether I am in bed, at work in a meeting, in session with a client, or relaxing he is oh so active.  It is great to know how alive and well he is doing.  But, it doesn't come without some painful jabs and pushes. I find myself pleading with him to give mommy a break sometimes so that I can rest.  Yet, the comforting thought is that he is alive and well!

I have also been introduced to the glucose tests during this trimester.  I started out with the glucose challenge test.  I had heard of the unpleasant experiences of some women who have aken this test so I was not looking forward to it.  but, being the good patient that I am, I reminded my doctor of the need for this test and so she ordered it for me.  To my surprise, it was an easy test!  The glucose drink was like a sweet orange Crush soda to me and tasted pretty good.  No side effects.  The only bummer of it all was that the results came back with an elevated 164.  I was not pleased and right away began to worry that I would have gestational diabetes.  So, I had to take the dreaded three hour glucose tolerance test.  I'll tell you that the worst part of that test was the worrying and anticipation of it.  Again, I had read on the internet of women's horrible experiences with it.  So, I for sure thought I would either throw up, faint, or go into some state of shock over it.  I had even thrown a tantrum at the news of having to take this test.  Yet, it turned out just fine.  The glucose drink was a bit sweeter than the first one, but in no way aweful.  I truly think that if you go into it thinking that you won't like it and throw it up, you are willing yourself to be sick.  I just thought of it as a flat, sweet orange soda and it was so.  For the next three hours of it, I just watched a movie on the portable dvd player with my husband and people watched.  No fainting spells, or feeling sick.  I was starving by the end of the test but that was the extent of it.  And the best part?  Results came back normal!  That was certainly a roller coaster!

I think the stress over that plus the busy weeks I have been having at work finally caught up with me.  I got my second cold this week (My first occurred a few months ago).  No fun!  I am used to managing my colds with plenty of drugs and rest but I have been unable to have either. 

Yet, all in all, it has not been that bad!  I am still doing relatively well and baby is fine!  We even got to do the 4D ultrasound.  That was such an experience because I finally got to see my son's face.  He is such a cutey and I can hardly wait to hold him.  I really can't wait!

Week 26: Oh the Movement!

It's amazing how the time just keeps moving along.  Only 14 more weeks to go!  My latest focus has been on how much baby AJ is moving around in the belly.  I remember at about week 16 there were slight flutters in my belly.  It almost seemed just like indigestion or gas.  But not quite like that!  Now, the flutters are more deflined and stronger.  Not that it feels like the UFC Championship going on inside my belly, but he's definitely moving around like a gymnast at times.  He tends to move around most during the evening and night time hours.  I also noticed that he moves more when I have something sweet (He's a boy after my own heart ;-)  While it's definitely a new experience and can be a bit creepy at times, I absolutely LOVE IT!  First, it is reassuring to me that he is alive and well.  Before, I had to wait for the appointments with the OB to hear his heartbeat for reassurrance.  Now, I can get confirmation on a daily basis.  Secondly, it's a way for me to bond with him.  It makes it all the more real that he is my baby who is on his way into this world.  I find myself talking to him or rubbing my belly as if I were touching him.  Morever, hubby gets to bond with him in that way as well because he can feel and see him move too!  What an experience!  Nothing like it!  I only hope he doesn't give me a good kick in the tummy or other sensitive areas before he's born.  But, I am prepared for that given he's my hubby's son!