I feel that I am finally ready to write this reflection! Tomorrow, Thanksgiving, would have been the end of my first trimester. However, I will not be celebrating such an event. About two weeks ago, during my second ultrasound appointment, my husband and I were devastated by the news that our baby had died. There was no heartbeat. I was about 10 weeks pregnant(baby showed at 8 weeks 5 days). Just two weeks prior to this dreadful day, my husband and I got to experience the life of our baby as we got to see the little one on the ultrasound and detect the strong heartbeat. At that time, the baby showed at 6 weeks 5 days. What a moment!!!!! It was new and wonderful for both of us. I thought maybe this time this little one will make it!!!! I, of course, still had my worries and cautions as it was still the first trimester and I wasn't really feeling too pregnant. But, most of what I had read stated that once a heartbeat is detected the chance of a successful pregnancy is about 95%. What odds!!!!! I was now letting my guard down...I was actually starting to relax and accept that this would work out. As the appointment for the second ultrasound approached, I was getting ansy. I was hoping to see the growth of the baby and hear that heartbeat again. I was also preparing to make a bigger announcement to people that I was pregnant.
So, there we were in the doctor's office. My doctor walks in and states "I have been hearing wonderful things about you. You seem to be doing well so far." He had a proud smile. Wow, that made me feel good. I am not a failure! I can sustain a pregnancy!!! So we go to the ultrasound room. He preps me and begins the process. The screen is facing the doctor and away from me. My husband was positioned to be able to see the screen. I take a deep breath and just wait. Silence. The doctor continues to view the screen but does not say anything. My husband looks on not knowing what he is looking at. I am looking at both their faces to try and get a sense of what is going on. Silence.....I stare at the clock and begin to have that sinking feeling that something bad is about to happen. Then, the affirmation of that bad feeling. With a sigh and shake of his head, the doctor communicates what I feared all along. He then states the following, "there is no heartbeat. I have been trying to look from all angles and it is just not there." I immediately begin to cry the cry of grief and loss. My husband holds my hand and just looks at the screen with a look of silent shock. My doctor continues to talk about what wasn't there with the heartbeat but I could not hear his words. All I could think was how and why!!! I did manage to hear him when he said that the death must have just happened because the baby showed growth that was right on target with where it should have been at this time. As I gathered myself and tried to control the tears enough to finish this appointment, he briefly comforted me and allow my husband and I some time. I was able to briefly see the screen. My baby had grown. Why did you have to die?
After the appointment, I had to go to the lab for some blood tests to rule out certain problems and to check my hormone levels. The wait to get my blood drawn seemed like an eternity and the place was crowded. All I wanted was to grieve in private. When I got home, I was able to cry as I needed to....All I could ask God was why and how and what did I do? I began to state to myself that I can't do this anymore. I thought of how my husband must feel and how I have failed him again. I thought of failing my family as they were looking forward to a little one. I thought how no one should go through this and that I would never wish this on anyone. So many thoughts.....The other part to all this was how I was going to have my miscarriage. I was given options that included the following: D and C (surgery), wait and allow miscarriage to happen naturally, or induce miscarriage. I also had the a small grain of hope that the doctor was wrong and that my hormone levels would show I was doing fine. Maybe a miracle could happen yet!
What I knew I needed during this time was to be able to talk with others. To carry this pain on my own would be torturous. So, I revealed my news to those that had been taking this journey with me. I was not alone and it felt so good to rely on others and gain support. As I told my news and my story, the pain got a little less heavy. It also helped me to decide what I would do as far as the miscarrige. Over the weekend, I got the confirmation that my hormone levels were dropping as affirming of a miscarriage. That stirred up the pain again. But, I was prepared with what I would choose to do. I decided to go through with the surgery. I had been through two miscarriages before through natural method and what a physically painful ordeal. From my understanding, the surgery would be quicker in terms of the miscarriage itself and the recovery.
I was so afraid of the surgery. Plus, I was told I may have to wait about a week and a half for the surgery as there were no openings. By the Monday after the devastating news, I was recovering from the initial emotional turmoil. My focus now was on getting through to the week and hoping I would not miscarry earlier than the surgery. I forced myself to go to work which was a really good decision as it helped me to try to get back into a normal routine. As the end of the week approached, I got the news that the D and C was scheduled for that Friday. I got nervous because although I was glad it was sooner than expected, I was scared about the procedure. Oh well, I thought, it was my best option and I wanted to have closure quickly.
Well, I must say that the surgery went well and it was the BEST decision I made for myself. The worst part of the whole process that Friday was the anticipatory anxiety and the inability to eat for 14 hours prior to the surgery. The staff and the doctor who performed the surgery was awesome. The whole procedure was explained to me. In pre -op room, I was well prepared by the nurses. I got to have deep sedation, which allowed me to sleep through the procedure, but recover more quickly and with less side effects than complete general anesthesia. Wow, that stuff works great and I sure enjoyed the relaxed,drunk feeling. My husband supported me the whole time and my buddy was even there during my recovery before I departed home that evening. I was really, really pleased with the process. I did not have really any pain and the bleeding was light. Compared to my two previous miscarriages, this was a breeze.
So, here I am almost a week after the surgery and two weeks after the crappy news and you're wondering how I am doing. Well, first of all, here is what I am not doing: I am not having a pity party, I am not feeling like a failure, I am not in a state of deep grief, I am not giving up on my quest to be a mother.
Well, here's what I have taken from this whole ordeal. I have faced the fact that I am now in that small percentage of women who have recurrent miscarriages (also known as fetal loss syndrome). Sounds hopeless, but I am still quite hopeful. Many women with multiple miscarriages still go on to have a healthy pregnancy and baby. I am not old yet and there is still time for me. I am also looking forward and now on the quest to find out why this keeps happening. There's got to be an answer out there for me. The surgeon will be referring me to a reproductive endocronologist who specializes in cases like mine. This brings relief to me as I know there's still room to investigate.
I have also really been able to realize and be aware of how fortunate I am to have the love and support of my friends and family. I am sooo grateful for these people and feel that I am very rich in this sense.
My husband and I continue to become stronger as a couple. Many times, couples split up as a result of such an issue. Or they have significant problems. We are quite the opposite. I think it's because we have a strong sense of family and love for one another. I also believe it is because we are on the same page about how we deal with things. We acknowledge the situation and our feelings, deal with them in our own ways, and then look toward the future. We tend not to remain stuck or to dwell. We also utilize much humor to cope.
I really don't know what is in store for us. Are we to remain a childless couple? Will we get to have a child of our own? Who knows. We do have much to offer and would make damn good parents. But, not every couple gets to be parents. What a complicated world!
So, whoever said third time is a charm was definitely living in lala land!!!
My baby at 6 weeks 5 days
The following is one of many tributes to those little ones who were lost to a miscarriage.
The following video was the first one that I saw the first time I had a miscarriage. It has much meaning for me.
